Defecation, beer and a big night in the sports world

The best part about being done with school has got to be all the friends I get to see now that I'm finally home.

The other night after work I visited my oldest, best friend, Zach and his fiancee Carrie at their apartment. I've known Zach my entire life and have probably spent more time with him than any other human on this planet, my parents included.

What's really cool about our friendship is that we pretty much do the same stuff we did when we were 12 years old. For example, at 12 we'd play Playstation and drink Mountain Dew. Now, we play XBox 360 and Wii while we drink beer.

We drank a lot of beer that night.

Consequently, I was far too gone to drive home that same night. (A move I would pay for dearly later; but that's an entirely separate story altogether.)

Anyway, I'm driving home the next morning and it's a little bit of a drive from my apartment to Zach's--about an hour--so I decide to stop for some gas, a cup of Speedway's finest House Blend and a desperately needed restroom break.

Now, ya know how after a night of long, excessive alcohol consumption your poop is always kind of runny and explosive?

The Beer Poops.

Well, suffice it to say I had a bad case of the Beer Poops as I walked into Speedway that morning.
My condition didn't go unnoticed, either. As I approached the counter to pay for coffee and gas the attendant looks at me and says, "Long night, huh?"

After a chuckle, I nod, "Why yes it was. How'd you know?"

"Well," he replied, "You haven't shaved, your hair is a mess and you waddled in here like you hadn't taken a dump in three days."

Dumbfounded, I attempted to craft a response, but before I can reply he cuts me off again.

"I understand, man, had a bad case of the Beer Poops myself just a few days ago."

Speaking of defecation...

The Reds had no business losing two of three to the Cubs last weekend.

None whatsoever.

Despite being sorely outmaned we had an opportunity to win every one of those games. This statement holds especially true during Sunday's marathon matinee that went 14 innings before the Cubs plated three in the 14th off Mike Lincoln who will, undoubtedly, be greeting Wal-Mart patrons by the end of the month.

I got a funny text from my good buddy Samps during the 14th inning fiasco that read: If we don't release Lincoln when [Edinson] Volquez comes off the DL I'm going to buy a seat next to the Reds bullpen and spend an entire game heckling him.

You'll have to wait your turn, brother.

Not only did the Reds fall apart in the 14th, but the only reason the game got to that point was because the offense squandered more chances than Darryl Strawberry.

The Reds loaded the bases with only one out in the 12th inning before failing to plate the winning run. Furthermore, they had runners in scoring position with a chance to win in the eighth, 10th, 12th and 13th innings and were unable to plate the winning run.

That series was an important one, certainly; they all are. But, losing two of three to the Cubs is not going to kill us. We're still only 3.5 out.

It's not like we were playing in a pivotal game five in the Stanley Cup Finals or anything.

It figures that no sooner do I write a blog imploring sports fans to give the NHL Finals a try is the most important game of the series is a complete and thorough blowout.

The Detroit Red Wings throttled the Pittsburgh Penguins en route to a 5-0 lambasting and a 3-2 series lead. The Wings can close out the series tonight in game six. The good news for Pens fans, the game will be played in Mellon Arena.

Probably the best sporting event last weekend, if you didn't catch Tiger's come-from-behind- crowd-pleasing 65 at the final round of The Memorial, was game two of The NBA Finals.

A classic, in any sense, the Magic were able to hold Kobe Bryant in check for much of the game, but were unable to get any tangible production from their backcourt by anyone not named Rashard Lewis.

As someone who is completely unqualified to analyze NBA basketball, I think much of the reason for Orlando's glaring inability to get the same production from their backcourt they received in the Cleveland series is because Kobe Bryant is so good defensively.

For all the attention he receives for his offensive accomplishments, of which there are many, Bryant has shown himself more than capable of shutting down the other team's best offensive player for 48 minutes, 53 if necessary.

In six chances, the Magic have never won an NBA Finals; a trend they'll try and buck tonight when they go home for game three.

After a positively dreadful night in the sports world last night that saw no hoops, no hockey and no Reds baseball the highlight of my night came when Kate made fish and chips for dinner.

Tonight will be different, however. The Wings try and close out the Pens in game five, the Magic look to avoid the panic button in game three and The Redlegs travel to the Nation's Capitol to take on the Washington Artists Formerly Known as the Expos with a Roster that Bears a Strong Resemblance to the Cincinnati Reds Circa 2001-2003.

A sports night this important may call for a beer or several.

Just be careful to stay away from the Beer Poops.